10 Parenting Tips for Preteens and Tweens
It’s typically between the
ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing
to climb into our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing
to do with us.
1. Don’t feel rejected
by their newfound independence.
It’s appropriate for kids
this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on
friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection.
2. Set aside special time with your
child.
It’s often
tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical
psychologist, suggests establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or
twice a week that you spend with your tween.
3. Try the indirect approach.
When they were younger you could ask
direct questions. How was school? How did you do on the test? Now, the direct
approach — carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day —
doesn’t work.
4. Don’t be overly
judgmental.
“At this age your children are watching you
very astutely to hear how judgmental you are,” advises Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They
are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially
children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners
or bad manners.
5. Watch what they
watch with them.
Beginning in middle school, watching the
stuff that your child wants to watch with him and being able to laugh at it and
talk about it is an important way to connect and to be able to discuss subjects
that would otherwise be taboo.
6. Don’t be afraid to start
conversations about sex and drugs.
The
unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and
alcohol as early as 9 or 10. And according to Dr. Kirmayer, “Sexual development
is a big part of this age.
7. Don’t overreact.
Dr. Steiner-Adair warns against being
thethe mom or dad who, in a bad situation, makes things worse. She gives this
example: “Your daughter comes in crying; she wasn’t invited to a sleepover. She
sees a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat. The parent says, ‘Oh my god, I
can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the
mother.'” The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the
pre-adolescent’s already hyper-reactive flame. They make their kids more upset.
8. Don’t be “clueless” either.
At the other extreme, don’t be a parent
who “just ignores stuff,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. You risk seeming oblivious or
unconcerned to kids.
9. Encourage sports for girls.
Girls’
self-esteem peaks at the tender age of 9 and
then drops off from there, but research shows girls who play on teams have
higher self-esteem. Girls on sports teams also tend to do better academically
and have fewer body image issues.
10. Nurture your boy’s emotional
side.
“One of the really
hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about
their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to
them,” says Dr. Steiner-Adair. “They say that anything to do with real feelings
— love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.”
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