The Two Most Impactful Words I Say to My Kids
It's a rare day in our house if I don't hear some type of
whining from our kids. It usually starts early in the morning, especially if
it's a school day. "I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home
today," my 5-year-old daughter will lead with.
- 5 Tips For Good Parenting
- 5 Tips For Good Parenting
Taking the bait, I'll usually counter with encouraging
words.
"School will be fun. You'll get to see your friends
and go to music class. You love music," I say, in my most upbeat tone.
One particular Friday morning after a long week, I was
too exhausted to engage in our usual dialogue. The complaints started flowing.
"I don't want to go to before/after school care today. I want to be at
home in my pajamas," my daughter moaned.
Instead of turning into a cheerleader, I looked at my
daughter through tired eyes and I said, "I understand."
Bewildered, she didn't say anything at all. After a few
moments of silence, she asked, puzzled, "You do?"
"Yes," I continued. "I understand. I know
exactly what it's like to have to do something I don't want to do."
"Thanks," she said as I watched her mind start
to wander. "Can you pack me a treat in my lunch today?"
Huh? That was it? No more
the-world-is-going-to-end-if-I-have-to-go-to-school-today sob story? I said
something that worked? I started repeating those two words after every
negative, whining sentence that came out of her mouth.
"I don't want chicken for dinner."
"I understand."
"I don't want to go to bed."
"I understand."
"I don't Iike going to church."
"I understand."
Every time I said those magic words, they seemed to grow
more and more power. My daughter needs to be heard and validated. She needs to
get it out and have her voice be recognized. Once she's done that, she can move
on with her day. Empathy with children is so often overlooked as we try to pound
into them our responsible, adult mentalities.
In the past, I would try to apply my logic to her
emotions in ways that made sense to me.
"We couldn't go to Vivenne's party this year because
we were out of town. I bet you'll be invited next year, and we can definitely
try to make it next year," I'd say, trying to reason with her while she's
wailing uncontrollably. My rational logic cannot rival her intense feelings.
I've learned to hold her, tell her I understand, and allow this wave to crash. I've
embraced the power in empathy. It's become my new secret parenting weapon.
The other morning our 2-year-old was shaking his head
with force repeating "No, NO, NOO. No school today!" My daughter gave
him a hug and said, "It's okay, buddy. I understand how you feel."
Apparently, empathy is catching on.
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